Dating ADD

I know, I know. I’ve been very quiet as of late on the dating front. That’s because my last date with the Mad Scientist turned into a UFC throw down and turned me off to the whole dating scene. I didn’t go so far as to hide or delete my online dating profiles which was fine considering I wasn’t really getting any nibbles. 

I did continue to receive the occasional “Yo, sexy mama!” or “hey, is that a hooookah?” emails from the more than annoying serial dating gadflys that swarm these free dating sites.  Believe me, I took great pleasure in deleting the inane emails upon receipt.  So when a email composed by an intelligent human being entered my inbox, my interest was piqued.  

At first read it was coherent (sigh).  Grammatically correct (wow!)  It wasn’t Pultizer prize winning but it was mildly entertaining and down-right sweet (bat eye lids).    So of course I responded.  Rapid fire responses flooded our inboxes with witty banter and numerous “lolz,” so we decided to kick it up a proverbial notch and exchanged phone numbers.

And that’s when the fun really began.

It did not take me too long to realize I was talking to someone with severe ADD/ADHD.  The conversation was like a Jackson Pollack painting, I had no idea where it began, what direction it was going, nor where it ended.  He would ask me a question and I would just about get three words out of my mouth before he interrupted me and then answered the same said question for himself.  In his defense, he did admit that he talks a lot and was notorious for interrupting people.  Hmmmm, in hindsight - understatement. 

After about 12 minutes I was done but it took me 8 more to interrupt him and tell him I had to go.  I kept the good bye pretty general and hung up exhausted even though I had not contributed more than 25 words to the conversation.  And just like that, he called back. 

Me: Ummmm, hello?

Him: [said in one breath]

HeyStacey,Iforgot,IforgottotellyoutohavefundancingtonightCauseyeah,heyyouknowIdancesalsa,too.IworkoutatagymandIgotgreathips,greathips.Heah,heah,heah,greathips.Doyouworkout?Igotothegym3timesaweek,gottastayhealthygottastayfit.AndyeahyouknowimacaringandconsiderateguycauseIcalledyoubacktowishingyouagoodnightout.

My head was spinning with disbelief.  Really is this happen? I thanked him and hung up.  In the time it took me to take a quick shower and walk back into my bedroom, I had a:

Missed call, a voicemail and two texts messages

I ignored them and continued to get dress as my friend was on her way to pick me up. 

Two more text messages.

I get into the car.

Text message

I go out dancing.  Around midnight:

Text message.

On the car ride home around 2 a.m.:

Dating website email alert

Following morning while I was still sleeping:

Text message – how was dancing?

I head to Queens to visit family I haven’t seen in more than four years (Which he knew because it was just some of the 25 words I was able to say to him).

Missed call, voicemail, two text messages.

I reply, “I’m with family and unable to talk.”

Two text messages. 

This continued into Monday which was an all consuming day with several demanding media deadlines.  I responded once to the 8 text messages.  Saying, “I’m on deadline, cannot talk.”  Admittedly, I kind of hoped he’d get the hint and then I thought I really don’t want the dating karma gods to rebel against me anymore than they already have (seriously, this girl could use all the help that’s available) I thought, I have to say something to him. 

I’m relaying all this to one of my male coworkers who I’m having a drink with as we talk a little shop and a little fat.  Over the course of six hours I would receive:

3 missed calls, 2 voicemails, and 18 random text messages - consisting of gibberish and ramblings.  Text topics ranging from:

“I just got off a plane.”  

“What are you talking about I said coffee.”

“I’m playing a gig in Virginia.”

“I said I wanted to make you breakfast”

“I’m at bag check”

“I need someone to welcome me home, kiss me on the cheek, hug me when I’m missed.” (Me in my head: I'm not your mother)

“Thanks for no response. Good luck with life.”

“That was a quick kinda mad response.” (Again, me in my head: Ya, think?)

“As a woman you gotta expect that I’m gonna drop everything on a drop of a hat to play a gig.” (Me in my head: I thought you were in law school??)

“Didn’t you want to meet someone?”

“I have no interest in bar flyz”

The following morning I sent a cease and detest email. 

Two text messages.

Sigh, and this is why I’m staying single……….