I know, I know. I’ve been very quiet as of late on
the dating front. That’s because my last date with the Mad Scientist turned
into a UFC throw down and turned me off to the whole dating scene. I didn’t go so
far as to hide or delete my online dating profiles which was fine considering I
wasn’t really getting any nibbles.
I did continue to receive the occasional “Yo, sexy
mama!” or “hey, is that a hooookah?” emails from the more than annoying serial
dating gadflys that swarm these free dating sites. Believe me, I took great pleasure in deleting
the inane emails upon receipt. So when a email composed by an intelligent
human being entered my inbox, my interest was piqued.
At first read it was coherent (sigh).
Grammatically correct (wow!) It wasn’t Pultizer prize winning but it was
mildly entertaining and down-right sweet (bat eye lids). So of
course I responded. Rapid fire responses flooded our inboxes with witty
banter and numerous “lolz,” so we decided to kick it up a proverbial notch and
exchanged phone numbers.
And that’s when the fun really began.
It did not take me too long to realize I was
talking to someone with severe ADD/ADHD.
The conversation was like a Jackson Pollack painting, I had no idea
where it began, what direction it was going, nor where it ended. He would ask me a question and I would just
about get three words out of my mouth before he interrupted me and then
answered the same said question for himself.
In his defense, he did admit that he talks a lot and was notorious for
interrupting people. Hmmmm, in hindsight
- understatement.
After about 12 minutes I was done but it took me 8 more
to interrupt him and tell him I had to go.
I kept the good bye pretty general and hung up exhausted even though I
had not contributed more than 25 words to the conversation. And just like that, he called back.
Me: Ummmm, hello?
Him: [said in one breath]
HeyStacey,Iforgot,IforgottotellyoutohavefundancingtonightCauseyeah,heyyouknowIdancesalsa,too.IworkoutatagymandIgotgreathips,greathips.Heah,heah,heah,greathips.Doyouworkout?Igotothegym3timesaweek,gottastayhealthygottastayfit.AndyeahyouknowimacaringandconsiderateguycauseIcalledyoubacktowishingyouagoodnightout.
My head was spinning with disbelief. Really is this happen? I thanked him and hung
up. In the time it took me to take a
quick shower and walk back into my bedroom, I had a:
Missed
call, a voicemail and two texts messages
I ignored them and continued to get dress as my
friend was on her way to pick me up.
Two more
text messages.
I get into the car.
Text
message
I go out dancing.
Around midnight:
Text
message.
On the car ride home around 2 a.m.:
Dating
website email alert
Following morning while I was still sleeping:
Text message
– how was dancing?
I head to Queens to visit family I haven’t seen in
more than four years (Which he knew because it was just some of the 25 words I
was able to say to him).
Missed
call, voicemail, two text messages.
I reply, “I’m with family and unable to talk.”
Two text
messages.
This continued into Monday which was an all consuming
day with several demanding media deadlines.
I responded once to the 8 text messages.
Saying, “I’m on deadline, cannot talk.”
Admittedly, I kind of hoped he’d get the hint and then I thought I
really don’t want the dating karma gods to rebel against me anymore than they
already have (seriously, this girl could use all the help that’s available) I thought,
I have to say something to him.
I’m relaying all this to one of my male coworkers
who I’m having a drink with as we talk a little shop and a little fat. Over the course of six hours I would receive:
3 missed
calls, 2 voicemails, and 18 random text messages - consisting of gibberish and ramblings. Text topics ranging from:
“I just
got off a plane.”
“What are
you talking about I said coffee.”
“I’m
playing a gig in Virginia.”
“I said I
wanted to make you breakfast”
“I’m at
bag check”
“I need
someone to welcome me home, kiss me on the cheek, hug me when I’m missed.” (Me in my head: I'm not your mother)
“Thanks
for no response. Good luck with life.”
“That was
a quick kinda mad response.” (Again,
me in my head: Ya, think?)
“As a
woman you gotta expect that I’m gonna drop everything on a drop of a hat to
play a gig.” (Me in my head: I thought you
were in law school??)
“Didn’t
you want to meet someone?”
“I have
no interest in bar flyz”
The following morning I sent a cease and detest email.
Two text
messages.
Sigh, and this is why I’m staying single……….
