Grateful for the Unknown

Thanksgiving is an anniversary of sorts for me. I know it’s a strange day to celebrate a personal independence especially when it’s a day carved out for family and gratitude but I’ve never been a traditionalist.

When you spend your life with someone who is not originally from the U.S., you pick and choose your battles on what holidays are more important than others. Thanksgiving slowly became one of those holidays that I decided not to make a fuss over.

In 2007, I had just returned from a month long trip in Morocco. My hands and feet were still henna-stained and I had left my Habibi behind so he could take care of some family business. I was on my own for the first time on Thanksgiving. It would mark the first of many on my own.

I’d gotten several invites from friends to spend the holiday around their tables’ and decided to take up my BFF’s offer to come to the Upper East Side to celebrate Thanksgiving with her, her new boyfriend, and bare witness to her boyfriend meeting her Dad for the first time. Why would I subject myself to this? Because I was the one who was responsible for their union.

Four years, a baby, a marriage, and another baby later these two crazy kids are still together. It’s the third couple I’ve done this for and I’m hoping this trifecta of blessings starts to come back my way one of these days.

You never would have known that a blissful life lay ahead based on the chaos that happened that day. I’m not going to get into details. Why drudge up someone else’s bad Thanksgiving or embarrass anyone? Although, you can ask me for details later.

On the sidelines that day was one of their friends – Jay. I knew Jay for like a hot minute before we had to combine forces and bring peace to the Upper East.

As my BFF and I found ourselves in a situation where we needed a safe house, Jay’s southern hospitality and his “bear” of a dog accommodated us for the night. Jay was about 10 months emotionally ahead of where I was about to be. As he shared his story, something became clear to me. I didn’t have to be here. Not in the physical here but the emotional here. Word to the wise, one night of truth and tough love does not end a nine year relationship. But it definitely made what I thought was a complicated situation, simple.

When I look back on that day what I remember most was the feeling of dread that I had in the morning. My feet dragged as I got ready. All dressed up and not wanting to go, I looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time in years I saw me and I didn’t recognize or like what I saw. I took a deep breath and said, “Come on kid, you gotta go. You never know who you’re gonna meet.”

So on this Thanksgiving I’m grateful for the people I haven’t met yet.

Dating Detective

I'm not a serial dater.  I just happen to date idiots on a serialized basis.

I know we all have bad dating stories to swap around the proverbial campfire, bar, and conference table but I have some that make people think twice about the common goodness that is supposed to possess mankind.

A couple of years ago when I was relatively new to the dating scene, I started talking to this guy who owned an amusement park ride rental company.  He was ok, made me laugh and so I thought why not?  We were suppose to go out the night before Election Day. And the reason I remember this is because while we were on the phone confirming our date plans, he decided to casually mention that he's running for a local city office.  A minor detail he failed to mention in our previous conversations. 

Now, I just so happen to work for a large political organization.  So, I say to him, "well it's the night before Election Day, don't you need to do some last minute things?" He replies a firm NO.  Well then, "don't you want to go door-to-door or call your constituents to reaffirm your position and confirm votes?" He replies again, NO.

So I dig a little deeper mainly because I'm concerned  here, fraternization on my part with an elected official or running mate is frowned upon at my job.  He proceeds to tell me this outrageously, delicious, and scandalous story about himself and several well known legislators.  I'm aghast.

I hang up the phone with him and immediately contact my friend who happens to live in the district he's running for office in.  She doesn't recognize the name and says to me, "let's Google his name." And so we do.  Two NY Daily News stories, and one NY Post story pop up immediately.  They tell the sensational story of a  misfit running for office, in a district he does not live in, and with several police charges against him. The two most glaring charges are the ones of physical and sexual assault against his alleged wife.

Ten minutes later I text him that I have a family emergency and can't make our date. 

Because of these experiences, I have become a super sleuth when it comes to the online dating world.  Alot of my single and married friends have been begging me as of late to share my dating detective tips.

So here are some basic things you should look for on their profile that will answer the question, should I email him back?

• In this digital age, it's easy to tell which photos have been uploaded and which ones have been "scanned in" from their spring break trip back in 1992.  Use your best judgment.

• Are all these photos from the neck up or is there a good variety of full body shots? Be wary of the close up ab shots - odds are those are not theirs. Or is the only full body shot he has from his days at the fire academy - cause I can tell you from personal experience, he went from that that to the "King of Queens" in the last 15 years!

• Look at the surrounding area in his pics.  You can tell alot about his home and workplace from these photos too. 

• Is he smiling in any of them to the point where he is showing teeth? You have no idea how many bad teeth/no teeth dates I have been on.  

That doesn't prove much but it does tell you what type of person you're dealing with.  It wasn't until this recent incident that I took a more advanced approach to learning about who I'm dating.

Over the summer, I met a guy who I got along with very well.  Had great banter, cute, charming, good hair and great chemistry.  Things progressed nicely.  But after that first time.... cough, cough, cough - there was something about the way he acted afterwards got me suspicious.

I don't know if it's my curiousity or suspicious nature but I took the search to the next level.  PA as we'll call him, had recently sent me a pic of him in his work uniform,  It had his last name of it. So I did a basic Google search.  Nothing alarming.  Random work related stuff.  So I took it to Facebook and what unfolded was shocking.  A Disney themed love story fully equipped with a gorgeous princess bride.  Three days prior to us seeing each other, he had celebrated his nine year wedding anniversary and wrote a beautiful status update saying how he loved his wife more today than when he first met her.  It was sickening.

Since then I do as much of an online search as is possible without being labeled a stalker.  I'm not breaking any laws.  This is all public information.

On the flip side I could write a playa's guide to keeping your personal life private but too much time and energy is wasted on these guys.   Plus naive as this may sound, I feel I'm being honest about who I am on these dating websites and I expect potential candidates to be honest as well.  Now I search everything from email address, usernames, cell phone numbers, and last names when known. 

It's unfortunate but I guess it's the times we date in.