The Three Stooges

Don’t be fooled, I like being single. I like everything that’s associated with it – freedom, fun, 4 a.m. nights out, the walks of shame, no one to check-in with, no compromising, the flirting, adventure, the chance to start something new, the mystery, the hope, the jealous stares from my boring married friends, and all the possibilities that await when someone new enters your life.

So before I went to bed last night, I decided to check my email. Three new ones popped up in a row, like silly Stooges in a doorway. They were from this dating site that I have my profile on. I thought: “Oh, how exciting, three new guys want to meet me! Let’s check them out!”

Now, despite what some people may think, I am actually a very nice person. I’m an amazing friend and have been told but those chosen few that I’m a terrific girlfriend. So what I am about to say next is going to completely contradict all this but I don’t care, I’m tired of the bullshit.

As I clicked on each of the three links what popped up on my screen was worse than the one before. Listen, I’m no raving beauty and by no means am I anywhere close to a size 6. However, men expect women to look and act a certain way.

Let’s be honest with ourselves here, men won’t wink or like me if I’m average or “a few extra pounds.” I’m expected to have my hair done, makeup on, my nails lacquered, unwanted body hair removed, smell “oh, so good, baby” at any time of the day even when you text me at 3 a.m. with a heavily suggested “wassup, baby?”

So gentlemen, why shouldn’t I expect the same from you?

So let me start by saying: I’m tired of the photos of bald men with double chins, the classic couch potato shot complete with potato chip grease stains on your oversized t-shirt, the random shot of you in a cornfield with your Great Pumpkin sized stomach sticking out, the close-up on your abs, the pic of you and your pet skunk, Mets fans, DILF’s, do me a favor - keep the kids out of it, the group shot of you and your hot co-workers – newsflash: your friends are way hotter than you.*

I hate bathroom shots, shots of you on a tropical island where you’re no bigger than a speck of sand, pic of you at the gym – I get it your buff. So what? A photo of you holding up your camera phone is just proof that you have no friends or that you’re hiding something from your wife or mother. If you don’t have a photo that doesn’t include your ex-girlfriend, don’t white her out - go to Sears Portrait Studio instead. And what is up with the photos taken by your car camera? What goes on in the back seat of your car that requires you to have a camera in your visor? No seriously, I want to know.

And my personal favorite is addressed to you, Mr. SingleBlackMan – posting a pic of yourself taking a bubble bath with the bubbles strategically placed makes me think you’re gay and what I really want to know is: who took that photo of you?

I don’t really think I am asking for too much. First impressions are everything in the online dating world.  So bring it.  If this is you, then put your best foot forward, show me you put some thought into it, and that I'm worthy of running a comb through your hair or putting on a clean shirt.  Think about your surroundings and how you want me to perceive you.  I don't mind a round guy, or a short guy, or a short round guy - just own who you are!

Case in point, while I was writing this I got an email from what I am sure is a nice, good, solid, hometown guy. But what made this poor, Chris Farley look-a-like think that sending me photo of him holding up two huge fish would make me want to date him? What 's priceless and telling about this image is the look on his face. He’s holding up these huge prize winning trout or whatever with this expression of pure pride as if to say, “look hunny, I can hunt & gather. I’m a great catch!”

Hmmmmmmm… maybe I should jump on that?

*All  people who have contacted me in the past few weeks.